Interview with "Mudless Locker"

Last April I had the pleasure to sit down and interview the fictitious band Mudless Locker and discuss their new release "Heaven is Bullshit." The band is a four piece with Mike Vogalbee and Stewart Rathsmus on guitar, Jacob Mendoza on bass and vocals, and Edward Vic playing the drums. I met them in their Southern Indianapolis practice space on a Sunday afternoon, the mood was lazy. Cigarette smoke and stank filled the room as they had just finished practice.

Lazersnake: Hey bros,.. whats up?

Jacob Mendoza : Hey

Edward Vic: Hey

Stewart Rathsmus: Hi

LS: I gotta ask, you guys look pretty much like metal hard asses, but there seems to be some inconsistency with your sound. Are you guys all avid metal fans until you pick up your instruments?

EV: Yes and no, I mean, I remember when I was about sixteen. My sister was dating this guy and he was in a metal band in our high school. He gave her a Judas Priest bootleg. She hated it but I fell in love with it. Now it was a bootleg, so I had no idea what these dudes wore on stage, all I new is that I wanted to look exactly how these guys sound. I wanted to look like I was swimming in pussy.

Mike Vogalbee: Yeah, pretty much every move in my life was made in order to get laid. That''s I think why the music sounds nothing like the way we dress.

JM: Chicks don't want to fuck dudes screaming about blood and war, but at the same time you gotta look like your not gunna be a push over.

LS: I understand that all of you went to the same high school. Is that when you all started playing music together?

SR: Not right away, we all went to Covenant Christian High School at one point or another and that's how we met.

JM: you mean Convent.. Haha

LS: Convent, whats that all about?

JM: Well, no matter what you did it was impossible to get laid there. I tried everything.

SR: Yeah, So I was a senior when Ed was a freshman. Ed lasted one semester there before his parents pulled him out.

LS: Why is that?

SR: I guess I had some aggression issues back then. I remember I hospitalized Ed the first time I met him. He was at a vending machine and his candy bar had gotten stuck. He grabbed me by the shirt and said "Hey man, my Reese's are jammed." Now, I had no Idea how good he was at drums at the the time, which means I had now idea how i could use this asshole to get laid, but I cradled that back of his skull with my palm and smashed through the glass of the vending machine. There were no video cameras and he didn't tell anybody what happened.

EV: That's Right.

SR: So I yelled, help and got a few teachers on the scene to get him to the hospital. He was unconscious the whole time.

MV: Ed and where friends since middles school and we had always played music together. We met Jacob through a few mutual friends that and it turned out that Jacob new Stewart pretty well. Eventually we were able to convince Stewart to quit stalking and harassing Ed.

LS: That all sounds pretty rough, how did you guys land on playing music together?

SR: Through making Ed's life hell for a few years I met his sister Gretta. Like, she was hot, so I played buddy with him after Mike told me to cool it, I basically started playing music with them to get to her and it worked. It turned out to be a total mistake but, now I get laid all the time.

LS: How was it a mistake?

SR: Well, I had to shell out money for the abortions. Some of which I stole from Ed.

LS: Ok, well how did you guys end up sounding like the way you do?

EV: A friend of mine gave me this Gang of Four bootleg and told me it was like If the Beastie Boys were in a dream band with the Morrisey and my friend is like a real music hound, he was listening to Nevermind before I ever heard of Heart Shaped Box. I hated the tape he gave me but, I wanted to model myself after the dream band between Beastie Boys and Morrisey.

SR: Yeah, that tape really blew.

LS: Your myspace music page had been taken down due to violation of terms of service, yet word is still spreading through the internet about your music. People really want you to go on the road. Any plans of touring to promote your new record?

JM: Whats the point. It's much more convenient to get laid in Indianapolis. When it comes to the point that I have to leave the city to get laid, then we will start talking about touring. Until then it makes no sense for us to even talk about it.

LS: Is that how you all feel? There will be no live promotion for "Heaven is Bullshit?"

EV: Basically.

On that note the interview ended as they came to the conclusion that the interview would only be read by "dudes mostly" and they wanted nothing to do with that. I left the practice space with the stench of idiocy clung to my clothing and disappointment oozing out of my tape recorder. The dumbest guys I had ever met have set goals for themselves and night after night fulfill their missions without any turbulence. This is what music is for all of us.